Post by darock on Mar 4, 2007 23:07:14 GMT -5
Come in and sitcha ass down...but keep ya hands offa my shat...the rent-a-center don't like it sent back like dat. ;D
Let's kick things off with a few random thoughts...
Unanswered Questions
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Why do psychics have to ask for your name?
If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out its nose?
If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2?
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?
The "Psychic Friends Network" went out of business... didn't they see it coming?
Is it possible for someone to become addicted to therapy? And If so, how would you treat them?
Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
If a word is mispelled in the dictionary, is it mispelled?
And if it is mispelled, how would we know?-AML
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
If you are dialing from a touch-tone phone, Why do you call it 'dialing'? -Ziggy
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
Why do you go "back and forth" to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been
free?
If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?
You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to
people that work nights?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Why on Earth, with over 3/4 of our planet covered by water, don't we call it 'ocean'?--Ziggy
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?*
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? *
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? *
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, how can it be wise to: "Quit while you're ahead"? *
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? *
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? *
Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while delivering the mail?*
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? *
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? *
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? *
What's another word for Thesaurus?--Steven Wright*
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?*
Why is it that when trasporting stuff on a car its called a SHIPment, but if transporting stuff on a ship its called CARgo?*
Humorous Sayings
In Order to get the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.
Never forget a friend, especially those that owe you--Chinese Proverb
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.
Strangers have the best candy.
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes. -Jack Handy
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
My husband and I divorced over religious reasons. He thought he was G-d and I didn't!
Earth is the insane Asylum for the universe.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met!
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back!
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look too good either.
When the blind leadeth the blind, get out of the way.
Keep smiling - it makes everyone wonder what you're up to.
Never drink water - if it can rust iron, imagine what it can do to your stomach.
There's always a light at the end of the tunnel...just hope it's NOT a train!
I'm not littering... I'm donating to the earth.
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
If you dont like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.
DEAR IRS, Please cancel my subscription.
G-d, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence.
Buy one for the price of two and get the second one free!
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left handed people are in their right mind.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If you blow in a dog's face-he'll get mad at you, but take him for a ride in the car - the first thing he does is stick his head out of the window!
Man is a peculiar creature. He spends a fortune making his home insect-proof and air-conditioned, and then eats in the yard.
Only in America do we have drive up ATM's with braile on them.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is 'uncopyrightable'!
The only ones who aren't grateful on Thanksgiving are turkeys.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature.
money may not buy happiness, but it sure makes misery much easier to live with.
Anyone who says 'Easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried it.
ALWAYS LATE but worth the wait.
I'd have a photographic memory but it was never developed.
I'm actually quite pleasant until I'm awake.
If you're too open-minded your brains will fall out.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress?
The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less.
He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers--Joseph Blosephina
I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn´t explain away afterwards.
It´s funny- the ppl. who want quiet are always the loudest getting everyone else to shut up.
Imagine how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Whoever said money can´t buy happiness doesn´t know where to shop.
Let's kick things off with a few random thoughts...
Unanswered Questions
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Why do psychics have to ask for your name?
If a cow laughs hard, does milk come out its nose?
If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still #2?
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing in the store is free yet?
The "Psychic Friends Network" went out of business... didn't they see it coming?
Is it possible for someone to become addicted to therapy? And If so, how would you treat them?
Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
If a word is mispelled in the dictionary, is it mispelled?
And if it is mispelled, how would we know?-AML
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
If you are dialing from a touch-tone phone, Why do you call it 'dialing'? -Ziggy
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
Why do you go "back and forth" to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been
free?
If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?
You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to
people that work nights?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Why on Earth, with over 3/4 of our planet covered by water, don't we call it 'ocean'?--Ziggy
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?*
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? *
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? *
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, how can it be wise to: "Quit while you're ahead"? *
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? *
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? *
Most mothers feed their babies with little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these people? Why don't they put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while delivering the mail?*
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? *
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? *
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? *
What's another word for Thesaurus?--Steven Wright*
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?*
Why is it that when trasporting stuff on a car its called a SHIPment, but if transporting stuff on a ship its called CARgo?*
Humorous Sayings
In Order to get the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.
Never forget a friend, especially those that owe you--Chinese Proverb
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.
Strangers have the best candy.
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes. -Jack Handy
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
My husband and I divorced over religious reasons. He thought he was G-d and I didn't!
Earth is the insane Asylum for the universe.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met!
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back!
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look too good either.
When the blind leadeth the blind, get out of the way.
Keep smiling - it makes everyone wonder what you're up to.
Never drink water - if it can rust iron, imagine what it can do to your stomach.
There's always a light at the end of the tunnel...just hope it's NOT a train!
I'm not littering... I'm donating to the earth.
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
If you dont like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.
DEAR IRS, Please cancel my subscription.
G-d, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they annoyed me.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence.
Buy one for the price of two and get the second one free!
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
If the left side of your brain controls the right side of your body, then only left handed people are in their right mind.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If you blow in a dog's face-he'll get mad at you, but take him for a ride in the car - the first thing he does is stick his head out of the window!
Man is a peculiar creature. He spends a fortune making his home insect-proof and air-conditioned, and then eats in the yard.
Only in America do we have drive up ATM's with braile on them.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is 'uncopyrightable'!
The only ones who aren't grateful on Thanksgiving are turkeys.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature.
money may not buy happiness, but it sure makes misery much easier to live with.
Anyone who says 'Easy as taking candy from a baby' has never tried it.
ALWAYS LATE but worth the wait.
I'd have a photographic memory but it was never developed.
I'm actually quite pleasant until I'm awake.
If you're too open-minded your brains will fall out.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
If con is the opposite of pro, what's the opposite of progress?
The difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know, and I couldn't care less.
He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers--Joseph Blosephina
I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn´t explain away afterwards.
It´s funny- the ppl. who want quiet are always the loudest getting everyone else to shut up.
Imagine how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Whoever said money can´t buy happiness doesn´t know where to shop.