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Post by pelicanguy on Jul 19, 2006 17:05:55 GMT -5
A good topic on Michael Baisden's show that got folks talking.....why money messes up relationships? The subject turned to women hiding money from their mates. This girl named Yvette called in and said women need to take things a step further than having separate bank accounts: have a seperate bank account and not let their partners know about it...even married folks. She even went further and said she has taught her daughter to do the same thing. WTF? What do you say, family? Is it okay to hide things from your mate? I say no way. If you start hiding things like money, you're likely to hide other things in regards to your relationship....and that can backfire on you in ways you won't imagine. Separate bank accounts are okay to me...as long as both know about it.
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Post by dolphinfan on Jul 19, 2006 18:28:53 GMT -5
I agree, but as we learned on this board, women are great liars, when it comes to what they really want, verse, what they say, and by the time you find out, BAM, You in jail, with your foot up her azz!!!. I was there, when a ex of mine said she was paying bills, and wasn't . We agreed to bay bills based on how much eac was making so it wasn't to much of a load on either of us, well three months, into our triail, I get a letter from, the electric company, gas, and telephone, they were all about to be cut off!!!!!! I went and paid them offf quickly, and ask her why she didn't pay them. She said, that she had some others things to pay off but didn't mean to let them get that far I swear to GAWD, i kicked her and her KIDS to the CURB. i sent her kids to her GRAND MOTHER, and told her to get ta steppin, she thought by calling the police, I would get kick out my own place!!!, But only my name was on the lease!!! ;D she had to go!!!. DON"T TRUST ANYBODY until they have past your test, on money and resposibility, period!!!!!!
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Sista Chi
B.E. Sergeant
There's No One Like Her
Posts: 1,190
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Post by Sista Chi on Jul 19, 2006 21:17:14 GMT -5
Nothing wrong with a bit of stash on the side that you may or may not know about. I don't think it's anything against a man. I might have had that when I was single and want it to stay there. Or wanted it during our marriage, for times get hard and I DECIDE I want to use it within our marriage or you and I part and I have a new immediate platform under my feet. Whatever feels right to me. Same goes for a man, you got a lil' stash on the side, cool. I see it as sumthin' extra for a rainy day or when you want to have that platform if we should part. You can tell me or not tell me.
And I guess when women are 'hiding it' they don't want y'all to ask how much it is and lose y'all mind, when times get hard or get big eyed and want it. I really don't know.
But I wouldn't do it out of malice, it's just extra security that I feel the need to have for myself in addition to the security a man has to give me.
I don't see a right or wrong. But I will say this, if you choose to hide it, you better not let the other, find out, unless you are planning on using it within your marriage. That's when it's Hello to a whole can of worms, although you may still get a bit of backlash from having it in the first place and him not knowing.
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Post by lusciouslois on Jul 20, 2006 8:28:44 GMT -5
Oh boy I have heard of women "stashing" a lil bit on the side and when times get hard within the marriage, SHE pulls out the money and helps her husband. I see nothing wrong with that. I think women should keep some kind of seperate account; men do it for themselves or their "flava on the side." I also think both partners should have some money of "their own," that they can spend as they please, as long as their bills don't suffer.
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Post by pelicanguy on Jul 20, 2006 12:24:38 GMT -5
Hey BitterLois and Sister Chi, how can you justify hiding stuff from your mate, including money? I don't buy the argument of "helping him out in times of need."
isn't that the purpose of a saving? To have money when things get rough?
Why do you need to not tell him that money is for savings? What do yall have up yall's sleeve?
*wondering about yall's priorities* ;D
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Post by lusciouslois on Jul 20, 2006 13:08:10 GMT -5
Hey BitterLois and Sister Chi, how can you justify hiding stuff from your mate, including money? I don't buy the argument of "helping him out in times of need." isn't that the purpose of a saving? To have money when things get rough? Why do you need to not tell him that money is for savings? What do yall have up yall's sleeve? why are you picking on us, and we arent even married? *grrrrrr, I HAY-TE HIM* j/k but I dont love you but I digress. I am divorced for reasons other than monetary and I have seen several now divorced couples who held joint accounts on EVERYTHING, then one or the other walks and walks away with all or most of the account money. I have seen couples where one or the other is a poor money manager and will use the "household money" for gambling, drugs, alcohol, clothes, shoes, etc. I dont have anything up my sleeve but my arms IF I ever marry again, *perish the thought* I WILL maintain at least one account of my own. SO THERE! BitterBrotherB *wondering about yall's priorities* ;D
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Sista Chi
B.E. Sergeant
There's No One Like Her
Posts: 1,190
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Post by Sista Chi on Jul 20, 2006 13:30:59 GMT -5
Hey BitterLois and Sister Chi, how can you justify hiding stuff from your mate, including money? I don't buy the argument of "helping him out in times of need." No, I'm not justifying it or saying it's right, but I'm not saying it's wrong either.
But all in all, I think it's wrong to not tell your mate you have it. He/She just doesn't need to know how much is in it and made clear that it's for you to do as you please.
I was putting other perspectives out here.isn't that the purpose of a saving? To have money when things get rough? Yes, but what if you don't have much in the savings? What if you need MORE than what's in the savings, heck of a lot more?Why do you need to not tell him that money is for savings? I am more inclined to tell him when we are together. If I have this savings before I met him, I am inclined not to tell him. Why? Because I can and have every right to do so, especially when not a penny of his money facillitated it's growth. Like I said, of you will start demanding to dip into the funds as some kind of entitlement, because times get hard. Some folks don't respect the discipline it takes to save up money and not touch it. Also, let a person have something of their own OUTSIDE of marriage with or without the other's knowledge.What do yall have up yall's sleeve? This is not about being devious. There is nothing wrong with a woman wanting to have her own money on the side to hubby's knowledge. There have been a many of woman divorced, left to fend for themselves with kids, struggling trying to make a dollar out of 15 cents.*wondering about yall's priorities* ;D Wonder if you will, but I do not deal in malice, sneakiness, or games. I have known me for over 21 years and you've only known OF me for approx. a month, and I think you can trust the assessment I'm giving you of my character.
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Post by lusciouslois on Jul 20, 2006 14:37:29 GMT -5
Hey BitterLois and Sister Chi, how can you justify hiding stuff from your mate, including money? I don't buy the argument of "helping him out in times of need." No, I'm not justifying it or saying it's right, but I'm not saying it's wrong either.
But all in all, I think it's wrong to not tell your mate you have it. He/She just doesn't need to know how much is in it and made clear that it's for you to do as you please.
I was putting other perspectives out here.isn't that the purpose of a saving? To have money when things get rough? Yes, but what if you don't have much in the savings? What if you need MORE than what's in the savings, heck of a lot more?Why do you need to not tell him that money is for savings? I am more inclined to tell him when we are together. If I have this savings before I met him, I am inclined not to tell him. Why? Because I can and have every right to do so, especially when not a penny of his money facillitated it's growth. Like I said, of you will start demanding to dip into the funds as some kind of entitlement, because times get hard. Some folks don't respect the discipline it takes to save up money and not touch it. Also, let a person have something of their own OUTSIDE of marriage with or without the other's knowledge.What do yall have up yall's sleeve? This is not about being devious. There is nothing wrong with a woman wanting to have her own money on the side to hubby's knowledge. There have been a many of woman divorced, left to fend for themselves with kids, struggling trying to make a dollar out of 15 cents.*wondering about yall's priorities* ;D Wonder if you will, but I do not deal in malice, sneakiness, or games. I have known me for over 21 years and you've only known OF me for approx. a month, and I think you can trust the assessment I'm giving you of my character.
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Post by pelicanguy on Jul 20, 2006 16:09:46 GMT -5
Maybe they should have thought about who HE was before getting married to him and having kids If you're gonna start hiding money from your husband, that tells me you have doubts about your marriage. So why did you get married in the first place?
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sweetpie
B.E. Staff Sergeant
Posts: 2,081
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Post by sweetpie on Jul 21, 2006 6:13:22 GMT -5
Slow your roll bro... First of all you are going straight trip mode... I have a few accounts scattered about and it doesn't necessarily mean a whole lot of money is in them either. So that makes me a liar? A late bill doesn't mean a person is bad. I've experienced living with a person that DIDN'T pay bills and HE LIED about paying them. Now THAT'S when you got a problem. I enjoy my identity, my ability to make money, my ability to help my family when needed. I know I have responsibilities and as much as a man wants respect from his woman she wants to be respected and SHOWN LOVE also. My hubby wanted all of our money together and it is still not. He feels we would do better, I don't necessarily agree... our bills get paid and if I want that utility on, it will be paid. Unless you have a serious reason or reasons to believe that she is doing something that you deem SERIOUSLY unscrupulous why worry about it? Your viewpoint is that every man is the angel in this, you know everyone is not the same. But what does her extra money got to do with you? If you're making your bills etc. again, what does her extra money got to do with you? Now you know all men DO NOT tell their wives about the extra family they got on the other side of town. It happens. It has always been said that a woman needs some money of very own in case something goes down. Some old heads will look at you like you're crazy if you DON'T have one. It's not a crime. Dolphinfan you kicked your girlfriend out over a late bill? late bills can be a dime a dozen... it doesn't stop life, it rolls on until the next one pops uo and what do you do then? Deal with it like you did the last time. My point is, if you have a mate that doesn't pay any attention to the household and spends ABSOLUTELY NOTHING on bills THEN you got a problem child. If she is a habitual spender then maybe YOU should have thought about this before you got married. This is life here... it goes up and it goes down. Sometimes you have to rob Peter to pay Paul. Good times come, good times go. You guys are sweatin' the small stuff. People divorcing over money doesn't mean one is holding out. It means you got in way over your head on something... some things. Bought a house you can't pay for because you lost your job... and at this point you need her support until you can raise up again. Does it mean more to you for her to harp on you or do you want love and caring and encouraging words? That extra dollar she may have may give you some money to beat the pavement with. She doesn't want to see you suffer either. One problem is that certain aspects can spill into the relationship if you let it. I said the word RELATIONSHIP, yes the money has to support it. What are you working for? The money? Or the relationship? The money ain't always gonna be there but the family will be IF you don't let MONEY totally destroy it. So... you gonna get mad and scar the relationship cuz the electric bill is late? Especially if the money went towards something else? What are you caring more for here? It is about your perspective and if the both of you as a couple got a handle on your BIDNESS what's the problem?
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Post by lusciouslois on Jul 21, 2006 7:56:37 GMT -5
Sweetpie Part of what you said was what I was trying to convey...some women have a seperate account and when the extra money is needed, they can pay that bill that hubby couldnt for whatever reason. And funny how they dont want to acknowledge that men keep money on the side for whatever reason(s) We (at least I) get called bitter, sneaky, conniving, etc, but they aren't angels. And from what I have seen fonted in this forum, they have done some mean stuff. I can understand a bullshyt level being low but dang. I think I have steted this before but I used to be with a working busta who got his lights cut off but he could find money so HE could look good, keep his ride shined up, etc, and he wasnt pressed about the lights because he can always find someone to mooch off of til he decides he wants to go home. anyway, some marriages do end because of poor monetary priorities. Why stay with someone who would rather gamble their money away, put it into clothes, cars or whatever and lose your home or your car? I told my now ex SO that I guess he would be looking good living out of his vehicle.
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Post by pelicanguy on Jul 21, 2006 8:22:33 GMT -5
I don't believe this....folks hiding things/issues from each other; no wonder marriages and relationships are so messed up these days. I guess good d-ck/p-ssy blinds folks from really seeing how people really are And no sweetiepie, I am not implying that only women do this....it so happened the woman on the show brought it up and I used her as an example. I know it happens on both sides. And you know darn well all men ain't like that
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Post by lusciouslois on Jul 21, 2006 8:49:05 GMT -5
Here we go again with the "you should have known how he/she was before you married/get married" drivel. I said it a thousand times...you dont always know who you are marrying before you marry them, PREMARITAL COUNSELING OR NOT! regardless of how good the sex is. Yeah, IF you see any negative traits BEFORE you marry and go ahead and do it, it is no one's fault but your own. and what is it that you dont understand about someone covering their azz IN CASE the marriage doesnt work out? A couple of us said something to the effect of "being taken to the cleaners," when a mate walks out and takes most if not all of the finances, and the remaining partner is left high and dry.
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sweetpie
B.E. Staff Sergeant
Posts: 2,081
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Post by sweetpie on Jul 21, 2006 20:02:02 GMT -5
Here we go again with the "you should have known how he/she was before you married/get married" drivel. I said it a thousand times...you dont always know who you are marrying before you marry them, PREMARITAL COUNSELING OR NOT! regardless of how good the sex is. Yeah, IF you see any negative traits BEFORE you marry and go ahead and do it, it is no one's fault but your own. and what is it that you dont understand about someone covering their azz IN CASE the marriage doesnt work out? A couple of us said something to the effect of "being taken to the cleaners," when a mate walks out and takes most if not all of the finances, and the remaining partner is left high and dry. Correct you will never know ANYONE in your life completely... let go of the dream Brother B. If you have made your decision on Ms. Right don't drive yourself crazy wondering about the things you don't know about her it will surely push her away. I love my hubby but he doesn't know my deepest thoughts he doesn't need to know. He cannot control my reality, nor can I control his and nor will I let him know every penny in any of my accounts. I just have to believe that he will not do anything that would hurt me but I understand that HIS reality is different than mine. I can't stand there and tell him not to look at a woman that may catch his eye (he better not do it in front of me though). If she doesn't present a problem in my relationship with him I am cool. Luscious is right about a covering no use setting yourself up for a fall. If an agreement between a man and woman is to pool their entire lifesavings together then that is between them. Everyone don't sail on that boat though. I would say that Bro B has not had a SERIOUS screwing by someone.
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Post by dolphinfan on Jul 22, 2006 7:42:03 GMT -5
Slow your roll bro... First of all you are going straight trip mode... I have a few accounts scattered about and it doesn't necessarily mean a whole lot of money is in them either. So that makes me a liar? A late bill doesn't mean a person is bad. I've experienced living with a person that DIDN'T pay bills and HE LIED about paying them. Now THAT'S when you got a problem. I enjoy my identity, my ability to make money, my ability to help my family when needed. I know I have responsibilities and as much as a man wants respect from his woman she wants to be respected and SHOWN LOVE also. My hubby wanted all of our money together and it is still not. He feels we would do better, I don't necessarily agree... our bills get paid and if I want that utility on, it will be paid. Unless you have a serious reason or reasons to believe that she is doing something that you deem SERIOUSLY unscrupulous why worry about it? Your viewpoint is that every man is the angel in this, you know everyone is not the same. But what does her extra money got to do with you? If you're making your bills etc. again, what does her extra money got to do with you? Now you know all men DO NOT tell their wives about the extra family they got on the other side of town. It happens. It has always been said that a woman needs some money of very own in case something goes down. Some old heads will look at you like you're crazy if you DON'T have one. It's not a crime. Dolphinfan you kicked your girlfriend out over a late bill? late bills can be a dime a dozen... it doesn't stop life, it rolls on until the next one pops uo and what do you do then? Deal with it like you did the last time. My point is, if you have a mate that doesn't pay any attention to the household and spends ABSOLUTELY NOTHING on bills THEN you got a problem child. If she is a habitual spender then maybe YOU should have thought about this before you got married. This is life here... it goes up and it goes down. Sometimes you have to rob Peter to pay Paul. Good times come, good times go. You guys are sweatin' the small stuff. People divorcing over money doesn't mean one is holding out. It means you got in way over your head on something... some things. Bought a house you can't pay for because you lost your job... and at this point you need her support until you can raise up again. Does it mean more to you for her to harp on you or do you want love and caring and encouraging words? That extra dollar she may have may give you some money to beat the pavement with. She doesn't want to see you suffer either. One problem is that certain aspects can spill into the relationship if you let it. I said the word RELATIONSHIP, yes the money has to support it. What are you working for? The money? Or the relationship? The money ain't always gonna be there but the family will be IF you don't let MONEY totally destroy it. So... you gonna get mad and scar the relationship cuz the electric bill is late? Especially if the money went towards something else? What are you caring more for here? It is about your perspective and if the both of you as a couple got a handle on your BIDNESS what's the problem? First, this was a topic from a show!! second, I agree with 100% with brother B and don't APPRECIATE YALL JUMPING ON HIM . If you NEGROETTES!!! want HONESTY, in a relationship, you must be HONEST COMMMING in TO IT, and leave ALL baggage at the DOOR!!. His points, If you are telling us to be up front!!! are VALID one's, why can't YOU be up front!!!. I have no problem with any woman of mind having her own shit, for whatever reason!!!!!!!!!!!. but when you feel you have to hide stuff from your mate, and it's not going to enhance the relationship!!!..............Lets get real. And we were TALKING about RESPONSIBILITIES, along with the HIDING, of money. If you can not afford to pay a certain amount for bills, say something early on, so that we, THE MEN, can adapt!!!!!! we might get mad, but if there is real love there, we will ADAPT!!!. This is really about RENEGING!! on a PROMISE!!!! Made. Not whether you can keep money on the side. Men like to know, that if a issue should come up!!, HE/WE can handle it. Not HOPE!!, we can handle the situation. So for us, this is about knowing if we have enough TOOLS, be it money, contacts, friends, and family to handle a situations that can, and will come up. To try to BLEND this in with Totalitarianism by men and your need to have autonomy is PURE BULL SHYT!!. THIS IS ABOUT BLACK MEN and women, not boys and GIRLS, in womens bodys!!!!.. Now to the JUICY stuff. I am a man, like you PROBABLY never met before. When i say I gonna do something, I'm gonna do it!!!!! My bills were THREE MONTHS BEHIND, NOT A MONTH!!! and were not going to just argued over, they where going to be SHUT OFF!! NO power, NO PHONE ,NO LIGHTS!!. NOw I don't know what it's like in Tenessee!! maybe yall still have out houses and beat on trees and have cookouts every night, But in New Jersey, you have to have, POWER, PHONE, LIGHTS, If the BIOTCH couldn't or would pay them, she should have been the WOMAN, I thought she was ( Brother Bs POINT) and been HONEST about her ability to pay what she said she could pay!!!. I took in her kids, fed them, clothe them, love them!!!!!!!! i did not throw them into the COLD!!!!!! I had them DELIVERED to there GRAND MOTHERS HOUSE!!!!, and then , with the QUICK-NESS, there mother soon afterwards!!!!!!. The fact that I could and would do this, doe not mean, I'm, any less of a man , then there FATHER!!!!!!!, who couldn't or would do CRAP for them!!!. I believe she came from a long LINE of BLACK WOMEN, who feel, that through sex, AND A PRETTY SMILE!!! AND YES CHURCH!!!! she could MANIPULATE a brother, UNFORTUNATELY, she was dealing WITH A REAL BLACK MAN!!!! and thats the difference between me and whomever she had dealt with before!.... THE DOLPHIN FAN, DON'T PLAY THAT!!! ................PERIOD. IF she had some type of financial problems, she should have discuss them wiotrh me, so I, and notice I said *I* could decide on whether or not it was worth it. She had a job!! and a good man (me) and should have at least trusted me. To at least hear her out!!! but like most of YOU. You made the disicion, for me. Can you Imagine comming home and finding out, you have no lights, phone, gas!!!!!! WTF!! and there was NO reason, whats so ever, for them to be OUT!!!. So you can drop the cold heart crap.REAL Black men don't play that!! By the way, a few years later and this is TRUE, she said i was the first real man, she ever met. I have not problem denying myself, to help others( i like), but you must be up front with me. I have to go, (Thunderstorms) But i will be back!!!
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