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Post by Blaque on Dec 26, 2006 13:02:31 GMT -5
I've had a few people tell me that I'm still single (part of the reason) because I'm too independent.
I've had a few men tell me lately that they don't want a woman who can't be submissive OR they don't want a woman to act like a man.
I know that I have a habit of telling a man 5 minutes after I meet them that I don't NEED a man, but that doesn't mean that I can't or won't be submissive.
I think my Independence is a catch 22. It seems that if a woman is too needy or dependent she is a weak woman, but because I am self-sufficient and doing well in life it turns some men off.
Where is the line fellas?
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Post by blackviking on Dec 26, 2006 14:37:21 GMT -5
Basically... men just want to feel needed. It's an affirmation of our masculinity. It has very little to do with submissiveness. The only way you can come off as too independant is if you truely don't need a man. But when you tell men that you don't need a man (and they believe you), the next question he asks himself is, "Then what am I doing here?" I think there's a miscommunication thing happening here. A man doesn't want you to need him because he's a man. He wants you to need him because he is who he is. He wants you to need HIM... not his sex. That's one of the greatest validations for us as men. A woman who just "needs a man" is an endless fountain of trouble... because any man will do.
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Post by Blaque on Dec 26, 2006 14:48:23 GMT -5
So if I were to say, Viking I need you, please don't ever leave me again, that wouldn't mean I need a man, just that I need you.
Just joking. ;D
I will reflect on what you said.
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sweetpie
B.E. Staff Sergeant
Posts: 2,081
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Post by sweetpie on Dec 26, 2006 18:33:39 GMT -5
Blaque,
"I don't need a man." is a relationship killer.
A couple are dependent upon each other.'
Men seem to get off on the idea of the submissiveness of a woman. It is not particularly what the relationship is about. And because it is in the bible sometimes men like to bend it in which women are to submit themselves to their husbands BUT the husbands are supposed to love their wives, that is a tall order especially with the nature of a man.
A common fallacy: Submissiveness does not mean you do everything and he does nothing. It is just as BV said men want to feel needed, valued , but sometimes women fool themselves into thinking that they don't. A woman can't do anything for me... But a man can, I give him a family and he protects us and keeps us, we work together to keep it going.
If you are unhappy AND you tell him, if you mean anything to him he will please you. To me each in a couple has things that they do that they are good at. It is okay to learn the things he does but why do them when he can? Because he sure will let you do the majority of other things that you do well. Let it go, I bring what I do to the table and he brings his part and his part is not necessarily more important both are. Bottomline if the two of you don't work together you will be independent by yourselves.
I had a friend that did that and she was constantly on the dating circuit she insisted upon telling dude how much she didn't need a man and everytime sooner or later he would drift away. If you want a man that line is not what he wants to hear. If you do chuck it out of your vocabulary.
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Post by Blaque on Dec 26, 2006 18:52:28 GMT -5
Thanks Sweetpie, for your point of view. I will stop telling men that. At least the one (s) that I a interested in.
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Post by dolphinfan on Dec 26, 2006 20:19:56 GMT -5
I've had a few people tell me that I'm still single (part of the reason) because I'm too independent. I've had a few men tell me lately that they don't want a woman who can't be submissive OR they don't want a woman to act like a man. I know that I have a habit of telling a man 5 minutes after I meet them that I don't NEED a man, but that doesn't mean that I can't or won't be submissive. I think my Independence is a catch 22. It seems that if a woman is too needy or dependent she is a weak woman, but because I am self-sufficient and doing well in life it turns some men off. Where is the line fellas? It's a conundrum, I love independent women. The problem is, you never know what makes a person what they are until, you get to know them. So while it's a turn on for me. It may be a turn off for others. Most people who are independent, are so for a reason. So if a person claims, he or she is independent. I like to check them out. Because.........just because you ain't afraid to raise your voice ,doesn't make you independent. To me, what make a person independent is in how they like to solve problems, and what they have learned form them. Not how they let people, know, they didn't like what was said or done. As for women, since you used yourself, as an example. I see an independent women as one, that doesn't let dumb, stuff rule her life and keeps, important things , to a need to know basis. Ive met a couple, but not that many, but too many who claimed to be independent. Who were barely hanging on, to the title ,only.
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Post by Blaque on Dec 26, 2006 20:36:24 GMT -5
I understand what you are saying. Some people probably don't know what the word independent really mean. Being loud and opinionated does not make one independent. Being in a position to take care of your self, and having a sense of self makes a person independent in my opinion. I am not looking for someone to complete me or take care of me.
But I guess I don't need to go around shouting it from the roof tops, people will know that about me once I decide to let them in.
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Post by dolphinfan on Dec 26, 2006 20:55:07 GMT -5
I understand what you are saying. Some people probably don't know what the word independent really mean. Being loud and opinionated does not make one independent. Being in a position to take care of your self, and having a sense of self makes a person independent in my opinion. I am not looking for someone to complete me or take care of me. But I guess I don't need to go around shouting it from the roof tops, people will know that about me once I decide to let them in. THATS TOO TRUE.!! i know a lot of women , who are unhappy because, they can't separate the two characteristics. and in some cases, don't even know .It makes them look bad.
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Post by dolphinfan on Dec 26, 2006 20:56:19 GMT -5
dayum gurl 6636 post ;D i'm never gonna catch up!! ;D
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Post by Blaque on Dec 26, 2006 21:22:16 GMT -5
dayum gurl 6636 post ;D i'm never gonna catch up!! ;D You can't catch me, man.
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Sista Chi
B.E. Sergeant
There's No One Like Her
Posts: 1,190
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Post by Sista Chi on Dec 26, 2006 21:58:25 GMT -5
Never tell a man that you don't need a man, even if you are not interested in them.
Because in fact we all need a man. What would we do if we didn't have our uncles, male cousins, brothers, male neighbors that may help you with that box out of your vehicle, etc.
Telling a man you don't need him is emasculating him as a Black man. And that is something we as Black women should never do. He is worthy of at least that much.
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Post by pelicanguy on Dec 27, 2006 0:03:11 GMT -5
Anytime a woman - especially one I am interested in - says "I don't need a man" or "I can do bad by myself" I do my best to keep my distance from her.
A lot of women have taken the word "independent" out of context. Unless you tell us otherwise, most men can assume you are on your own and are handling your business for the most part. Countless times have I had to sit and hear women say "I don't need a man to help me with shyt. I got this. I got that. I can do bad by myself." All of that kind of talk is a major turn-off to most men.
Most women who are hollering out they're independent and "I don't need a man" are the same women you see going around whining "Why doesn't any guy want to holler at me?"
BV and sweetpie summed it up very well. Men don't want to feel needed per se, we just want to know that we are valued and are seen as important to the relationship and not taken for granted. Trust me, when we feel we are taken for granted, we will start acting that way...and that's when all problems will start.
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Post by Blaque on Dec 27, 2006 8:11:41 GMT -5
Chi and Brother B you both make great points.
I'm learning. Thanks guys!
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jazzlover
B.E. Sergeant First Class
It Takes Pressure to Make a Diamond
Posts: 3,912
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Post by jazzlover on Dec 28, 2006 0:59:23 GMT -5
Men are like little boys, we want to be YOUR heroes! When a woman says she doesn't need a man, she is slowly pushing us away, submission doesn't mean slavery, even the Bible say's "submit yourselves ONE to ANOTHER! A man is COMMANDED by God to LOVE his WIFE like CHrist loved the Church..that means a man...a REAL man will put his WOMAN and his children BEFORE himself.
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sweetpie
B.E. Staff Sergeant
Posts: 2,081
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Post by sweetpie on Dec 28, 2006 7:08:41 GMT -5
Yeah that's it right there.
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